moments

Existing Outside of Time

What is life like when you exist outside of time? I wish that there was some way to ask my mother that. But, of course, she doesn’t know that is what is happening right now. Though time is marching forward and her disease is progressing in a linear fashion, there is nothing linear about her reality. It is more like loops – big loops back to her childhood, medium loops back to a few months ago, and mini loops back to a few minutes ago. These loops happen throughout each day and across days and weeks.

She is unsure where she is in time. In the span of a five-minute walk, she can be talking about her childhood and parents as if they are alive, to talking about her husband, wondering if he is alive, to needing to go to the store.

She is back to picking up sticks. She really loves nature. It continues to fascinate her. She is asking for more baskets, again, for her collection. She is back to wanting to live in an apartment. She wants to sell her books, or send them to her mother (which is new). She can’t believe this is her life. Everyone around her has “low mental functioning”. It is deja vu for us, with a little reverting to her childhood thrown in.

Thank goodness she didn’t take this one!

My brain is not use to a non-linear existence. It is not easy trying to keep up with where she is at in time, to know how to respond and where to steer the conversation. I think that it is why I leave from visits exhausted. I wonder if it is exhausting for her to be so many places in time every day.